Hey, let's make a short film about a woman who's married to a famous boxing coach and who gets massive headaches and nosebleeds and suddenly remembers she has a pencil wedged in her brain, the removal of which might render her blind. We could include the following line from our main character:

"I remember tripping over and the pencil I was holding seeming to disappear."

Or we could re-enact that scene. A four year old girl, a bit of a stumble, a missing pencil, fifty-five years of blinding headaches. Check it out. Sometimes I think my life ain't so bad after all.

In other film news, here are some reviews:

We Are Together - a documentary about a South African orphanage full of kids whose parents died of AIDS, where the kids just happen to sing soulful, confident, gorgeous African songs with these enormous grins on their faces, while dreadful stuff happens all around them - more AIDS deaths, the orphanage burning to the ground, and... last but not least... salvation comes in the form of Alicia Keys and Paul Simon solemnly patting kiddies' heads and proving once again that white men ain't got no rhythm. Still, they raised enough money to build another orphanage so at least they're using their best intentions for the best results. Great docco because it reminds viewers that Africans die of AIDS while we in the West have drugs. That was the one thing I was left wondering, though: did these families know how to prevent HIV?

And, one more for the "dreadful and shithouse" list: Great Wall Of Sound. I was actually angered by this film. It was so frustrating, so depressing but with such little purpose, and it led nowhere, said nothing, and taught me only that two hours is a long time.

This was okay - interesting because of the people in it and because of the whole concept of Palestinians building mansions for Israelis while they live in cardboard boxes (also includes a very interesting conversation about "their holocaust" versus "our holocaust") but otherwise a little too gentle and wafty and going nowhere we haven't been before.

Beyond Our Ken, on the other hand, was a brilliant example of a documentary that you don't think you "need" to see (because it's about an Australian "energy transferral" cult) but when you leave you feel like you've been exposed to a certain kind of behaviour that teaches you what humans are capable of - ie you've watched an actual megalomaniac psychopath in action. And his victims. Also, the filmmakers cannot have predicted the ending, but they did a brilliant job of leading us towards it. This one should get a release.

Hot House - another depressing film about the middle east, in this case a documentary about Hamas and how it's partly run out of the Israeli prison system. I was a bit sleepy during this film (it was at The Greater Bloody Union - a sleep chamber) but the film was interesting in parts - particularly the bit where an ex-newsreader mother of three kids talked about why she helped a suicide bomber blow up a restaurant full of Israeli kids, then went to work and did a news report on the massacre, knowing she might be put away for life and never see her kids again.

Also saw a documentary about Tony Kushner who wrote Angels in America. Made me wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life, but it was great to see. Not the best docco in the world (could have done without the endless music rehearal scenes in the middle) but a very inspiring glimpse at a playwright who can get away with writing a seven hour play. Also, I'd love to see his Maurice Sendak collaborations.

Shame - documentary about a Pakistani gang rape enacted apparently "legally" on a woman to avenge another family's daughter's honour. Some of the key facts were hazy and the documentary was rambling and strangely put together, but it was an interesting demonstration of different kinds of power. The rape victim had no power and lived in constant fear, but when her story hit the Western press, she basically asked for electricity in her village and she got it. She asked for a school, she got it. Similar to the South Afrcian documentary above, the power of the West is a hideously double-edged sword.

One last thing. Check this out. Your Mommy Kills Animals - a documentary about something I studied at university, so I wasn't as surprised as some of the audience, but the new "terrorism" twist is interesting, particularly in the light of the new Federal police powers.

And that's enough for today. My Lord there are lot of films in the world - a lot of stories worth telling and a lot of stories best left untold. Also a lot of people standing in the foyer afterwards who must be wondering what's happened to my power of speech. It's official - three films in a row or more renders me rambling and confused. As you can tell.

Oh my God if I see one more film my head might explode.

There's a whole week left of the godforsaken festival, bless its cotton socks, I've loved almost every minute of it. HOWEVER:

Please no more sandwiches for dinner.
Please allow me to excercise my limbs in daylight hours.
Please no more cold home-made pasta in a tub eaten clandestinely under cover of darkness.
Please enough with the smell of popcorn.
Please never show me the friggin telstra ad again with the dog going for the walk.
Please just take all the seats out of Greater Union and let us sit on the floor. Heaps more comfortable and much less chance of accidentally sitting on the knee of the person next to you.
Please no more fun invitations to do exciting things from lovely friends which would involve actually going outside.
Please can we reschedule my birthday?

By the way, in case you're wondering what ELSE is going on, the films have been good/middling/excellent. I miss the Asian focus from last year, I realise, with the hilarious and gorgeous Japanese and Korean films. However, saw an Australian documentary about Kenja yesterday that was worth the Greater Union seats. Starting to think the docos are the highlight this year. Also liked Sicko, which was very Mike Moore but somehow he's now using that to his advantage. Plus, you know, he's no fool, and he's very good at what he does. Makes you want to move to France, too, which should piss off all the right people in America.

More updates on films as soon as I figure out what I've seen.

Another day another stinking deadline.

Deadlines make the film festival less fun because you spend the two hours of each film thinking, "This had better be worth me not writing that proposal for that thing that's due TOMORROW. COME ON, YOU STUPID FILM, SHOW YOUR TRUE COLOURS! Bah, piece of European psychological drama procrastinatorial CRAP!"

Anyway. Not that any of the films so far have been truly crap (with one or two exceptions, below). But, you know, the pressure is on in all sorts of ways.

I will write up on the other films I've seen so far but yesterday I saw The Hottest State, which I greatly enjoyed despite the odd dip into sentimentality - I think it was truly an interesting film (not least because of the casting choices - Ethan Hawke playing his own father, someone else playing his younger father, and someone else playing his young self, but also because of some of the writing, which was really lovely).

I saw a documentary about an American-born-Japanese homeless artist who was locked away by the American government during WWII for being an "alien" and who had his citizenship revoked. Here he is, sixty years later (aged 81) painting pictures in the streets of New York. Suddenly the planes hit the twin towers down the street and he's the only person left standing in the neighbourhood by night time. The filmmaker actually moves him into her house and gradually helps him sort his life out. The parables between his situation and the current fears that allow governments to lock people away and revoke their citizenship were not unnoticed but never preached. Hm. Yes, it rocked my socks. Just a really, really good documentary. It's called The Cats of Mirikitani, but it's not showing again in the festival, so google it and get the DVD.

Anyway shuttup I have work to do.

PS. Last night I sunk to the festival low: lamb souva for dinner in between films. Orange juice in case I get scurvy.

It has been correctly pointed out by Daniel (he who shall sell the rights to his functional MIFF program for nine trillion dollars) that I have named all the films I liked and have in fact been remiss by not naming the one I have shitbagged.

There are two films I have not enjoyed this festival. They are:

The Primo Levi documentary, which I frankly don't know why I thought I'd like anyway, excecpt that I'm interested in Holocaust literature and have never read Primo Levi so wanted to be inspired. I did not feel inspired. I instead felt tired and (as I have said earlier) I slept fitfully throughout. It was a baffling, disjointed, badly thought out documentary, in my humble opinion and full in the knowledge that I am not among the demographic it appeared to be aimed at (those obsessed with Primo Levi).

The second film (the one I took my friend to) was also a documentary, and it was a case of "which venue can we get to fastest". It was a documentary about a Viennese fair, much like Luna Park or the Royal Melbourne show. It would have made for a fantastic seven minute documentary, but my GOD it was a dull two hours. Shot after shot of old, dead fairground "highlights" with a deadly serious narration about the "room of mirrors" changes people's lives forever as their imaginations run wild. Extremely depressing, richly bizarre in about three parts (those were the parts you'd keep for the short documentary - they were mildly entertaining) but if you can imagine a feature length documentary about the royal melbourne show, where each ride is examined in forensic detail but with no irony... you're almost there.

That'll teach us for picking at the last minute.

Saw two films last night. Exit (baffling) and Yella (baffling).

I am no longer in the mood to be baffled, and have decided that films whose sole result is the entire audience going, "So, hang on, he was the guy from before, with the gloves. Right? And he killed the first woman but her husband was the dude in the carpark making the telephone calls. Or were they the same person"? are now, officially, boring to me.

With that in mind, I will continue from here on with fresh eyes. Any one else got any recommendations?

Sometimes, the Melbourne Film Festival lets you down. Of course it does. If it didn't, it would be peopled entirely by the same demographic. This is not the case. Sometimes it's a comedy film and there's a comedy crowd. Sometimes it's a religious film and it's full of people wearing tiny gold icons under their windcheaters. Sometimes it's a music documentary and there are people in heavy metal t shirts wandering in with popcorn.

But it doesn't let ME down often, because it's fairly hard to let me down. It's fairly difficult for me not to find even the bits that I don't find interesting kind of... interesting... on account of the fact that someone else is finding them interesting.

Anyhoo. So there's this friend of mine. I spend each festival thinking, "Oh, she would have LOVED that film! That film was MADE for her!"

Then she calls me up and says, "Can I trail along to one of your films?" and I say "Oh, you're going to WET YOUR PANTS this film will be SO GOOD".

Anyway, last year she came to three. Two of them were terrible. I only saw two truly terrible films last year. One of them was so badly projected we got our money back. The third film? Ace. Unreal. Really excellent.

Which is why I thought it would be safe to assume I could "let her trail along" tonight to see a film about... well, now, that would be telling.

It was a film that should be shown to anyone who thinks they're creative, because it's an interesting eight minute film. It went for two hours. It's a film that teaches people that you should always edit more than you think you should out of whatever it is you're creating.

My friend is beginning to think she is cursed.

Otherwise today I saw Eagle vs Shark, a New Zealand film, which was gorgeous and hilarious and which is on again on August 12. Funny as hell.

The last film I saw today was about Alexander Litvinenko, I am SURE I am spelling that wrong but I'm too tired to even use google... Anyway I have written here previously about him and I've always been fascinated by his story and the connections between Putin and the secret service/death squads/terrorism within Russia. Anyway, wow. Writers and people who say things about politics that people in power don't like can get themselves into some serious trouble in some countries.

Good to remember when you're complaining about deadlines. Which I will hereby refrain from doing. Good night.

Well, the Film Festival has redeemed itself from a rather baffling and deeply disturbing (yet still effective) opening day.

Yesterday I saw: a New Zealand sheep zombie movie. Hilarious on so many levels, not least of which was the screaming pile of Melanie and Rita sitting next to me.

War Tapes - excellent war journalism - in which American soldiers were given their own cameras and told to shoot what they saw in the Iraq war. Horrible, funny, politically complex. Really should be compulsory viewing (although might need a few blown-up body shots to be removed before it gets a wide release).

A Mighty Heart, starring Angelina Jolie (who is very good in it) about the journalist Daniel Pearl who was beheaded in Afghanistan. Very well put together and it's a story I've always been interested in.

I also "saw" a documentary about Primo Levy - or, actually, not about Primo Levy. It must have been about something, but I certainly couldn't figure it out and I have honestly NEVER done this before, I am ususally unable to, but I slept right through it. Genuine REM sleep for about three quarters of the film. I'm sure it's interesting to people who are obsessed with Primo Levy but since my association with Primo Levy is that "I really must read his books", and since the quarter of the documentary that I saw shed no light on him whatsoever, it was an excellent opportunity for some shut-eye.

Other films I've seen since Thursday:

Teeth - a genuinely hilarious film about vagina dentata. Possibly my favourite so far. Go and see it at the second screening, I promise you will not be unsurprised by the events that transpire in what looks (at the beginning) like it could be "Mean Girls" or something similar. Another movie in which Rita and Melanie's (and Baggins') screaming was just as much a part of the experience as the film itself.

Savage Grace - a film starring Julianne Moore and "based on real life events". This fact alone is the reason the film works because Oh. My. Lord. Anyone who thinks their family is dysfunctional should check this out.

The Simpsons Movie. Shut up. After seeing Ex-Drummer, we deserved it. Including The Simpsons, that's ten movies since Thursday. Also, the more you see, the more you want to see. This could be a long couple of weeks.

Here it is, folks. My first official backdown. My first genuine complaint about the State Library, previously listed as one of my Favourite Places On Earth.

WHO THINKS IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO TUNE A PIANO IN A LIBRARY WITHIN EARSHOT OF THE PEOPLE STUDYING IN THE DESIGNATED QUIET ROOM (many of whom have left) FOR A PERIOD OF (so far) AN HOUR AND A HALF BY PLAYING ONE NOTE OVER AND OVER AND HITTING THAT EXACT SPOT IN YOUR BRAIN THAT IS TRYING TO CONCENTRATE.

I think I have officially lost the last quiet, untouchable, peaceful writing haven left on this earth. So long as there is the possibility I will EVER have to endure this TORTURE again, it is, officially, dead to me now.

WHY IS THERE A PIANO IN A LIBRARY ANYWAY?

Oh, please, make it stop.

PS. Any friends who are cheeky enough or members of my family reading this can feel free not to use the word "melodramatic" in relation to any or all of the above, for fear of me imposing stringent sanctions in the future.

PPS. The piano tuner has moved from a middle C to a high C. This is both a relief and a sign that we may be putting up with this for another hour. The dude at the desk across from me has officially discarded his laptop in favour of a skateboarding magazine.