Sometimes I have an existential moment. 

My most notable existential moment was when I was in a job interview attempting to convince myself (and the people interviewing me) that I was interested in being a corporate lawyer. The corporate law firm was one of the most famous Corporate Law Firms in Melbourne, with all that the capitalisation implies. The existential moment came when they asked me whether I would be able to practice being a lawyer at this particular Corporate Law Firm given there were several references to "social justice and the arts" on my CV and this implied that I would sometimes want to do what was morally comfortable, rather than what was required in the best interests of my client. Perhaps they didn't say it like that. Perhaps they said that I might sometimes want to do what I believe is right in a situation, rather than what was required in the best interests of my client.

I had thought about this a lot and I was in fact fluent in Lawyer Speak, having studied law for six years and being interested in many aspects of it, but also having a fair bit of "social justice and the arts" stuff on my CV and having, as the interviewers correctly surmised, a conscience. I answered the question in a way that I hoped was true to myself but told them I could do a job if required of me and in the best interests of a client, since in an adversarial system, everyone needs fair representation or else we would probably just set fire to people who were suspected of committing crimes. Or words to that effect. 

It was after the next question that I had my big existential moment. One of the panel asked me how I would feel about a situation where my client was a well-resourced defendant in an asbestos case and "the best outcome would be achieved if the case stalled". In other words, how would I feel about waiting until a plaintiff who suffered from asbestosis DIED so that my client wouldn't have to make a payout.

This was when I had my existential moment. I still don't know if the Corporate Law Firm meant for me to answer that I would be outraged or whether it would have preferred an answer such as "Whatever it takes, captain, where do I sign?" and in fact I don't even remember what I said.

I do remember: looking out the window of the very tall building, down at the city below. Looking at a bus making a right hand turn. Looking at the right indicator on the bus flicking on and off. Thinking about the  bus driver, in the bus, waiting for a break in the traffic so he can turn. Wondering if he was having a bad day, or a good day. Thinking about how fascinating it is that he and I are living in the same city, connected by the same air, and that we may never meet. He does not have the life of an asbestosis victim in his hands. He the lives of a bus full of people in his hands. We are one, we are many etc.

Wow.

Sorry, what was the question?

Anyway. I had one of those moments today. Watched a couple having an argument on one side of the road while a smacked-out bloke punched a street sign on the other. There but for the grace of whoever is in charge etc...

Good to think about, sometimes. Although, now that I have no idea who or what I am or how I fit in, I think I'd better go and have a coffee and talk to some human beings. Ones who call me by my name. Tends to help, just so you know.