I went to the Commonwealth Games last night. I went with Melanie Howlett, Standing There Captain of Industry and our Production Manager on People Watching, whose initial comment when we got there was, "Wow. Imagine production managing this".

Excellent point. First of all, imagine organising the schedule for an event where there are half a dozen things going on at a time and one of them involves hurling an enormous pierced plank of wood through the air.

Production Managing Highlights included:

1. The teensy little remote control car that drove the javelin from one end of the track to the other.

2. The 10 000 metres race. If you saw any footage of this on the TV, congratulations. There were no Australians in it, so the antics of the crowd got more coverage than the astonishing performance of everyone in the race. Weren't the antics great, though? Some of them were even wearing face paint!!

3. The extremely excited Kym Howe, who managed somehow to applaud herself on the way down from the pole vault after breaking a games record. Whereas I'd be concentrating on not doing a face plant, she virtually poured herself a beer and called her mum with the good news on the way down.

The downsides would have to be:

1. The empty Sierra Leone lane. I hear we're revoking their visas now. Nice to hear Ray Martin telling us all on the telly that The Games are all about hospitality, though.

2. John Howard waddling up to present medals to the poor buggers who just won things. There's an endurance event joke somewhere here but I'm feeling nauseous so I'll move on.

3. I wonder who wrote the opening ceremony? My favourite line so far was in the thanks to the volunteers: "You are the Paris End of Collins Street". Meaning, for those of you not from Melbourne, "You are the posh bit where no one goes".

So, now Melbourne gets to refocus its attentions on the real theatre scene. Hopefully there won’t be as much shooting, although conversely there’ll be less John Howard. About the same amount of lycra, though, if we factor La Mama into the equation.

This post is for those of you who don't live in Melbourne.

Here are some of the things you didn't get to see this week:

1. Tim Stitz squeezing his enormous feet into high heels and doing kung fu. Tim was really excellent although you wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley because he is SWIFT wiv da MOVES.

I also enjoyed the fact that because I was a tad late I had to sit in a Dunce's corner. More theatres should do that.

2. You've missed the Commonwealth Games, which among other things has become a much more direct way of seeking asylum in Australia. Forget about paying a people smuggler to get you over here on a boat. Qualify for an obscure event, get flown over, tell the games officials that you're just popping off down the shops, and then disappear. So far, eleven athletes are confirmed missing, mostly from Sierra Leone (although Tanzania and Bangladesh are also represented).

See here for more details and here for a much more essential story about Jana Pittman's wedding plans.

3. You've missed the brilliant thing that happens during any sporting event, which is that you can be walking down the street and a huge group of cyclists go cruising past you, and it's only when they've gone past that you realise they're the Scottish Cycling Team and that one of them was talking about The Simpsons episode you watched on the TV last night.

Also, the weather's behaving. Gorgeous place to be.

Of course, in a few months I'll be peeling ice from my bike in the morning and complaining about public transport again. But until then, tra la! Life is good!

So the Commonwealth Games is starting in my home town today. Some of you will be wondering what that is. Sounds kind of like a really lucrative computer game. Nay, it's like an Olympics for people who still believe in the Queen. So far, a couple of kids have escaped from a youth detention centre (conveniently located just up the road) and have actually been caught climbing the fence into the Games Village. The papers are also reporting what has become known as a "groping incident". See how the word "incident" makes the word "groping" look like a grown-up word? In court, it's called "indecent assault", but they've simpled it up for us. Good on them.

In other news, Melbourne is also home to the sickest production company in Australia. Rita and I have been fighting off fevers all weekend and we're running out of time to do our cast and crew screening before the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. This may not be a problem if Yianni keeps missing his plane home to Melbourne, though.

In case he does come home, check out his gigs at: Butterfly Club (South Melbourne) on 29 March, The Local (St Kilda) on April 3, and Glitch Bar (North Fitzroy) on April 9. Most gigs start at about eight, but email us if you want to know more. His Comedy Festival show is shaping up to be quite something.

Meanwhile, Kathy Smith (aka Penny Tangey), is playing in Geelong on April 7 and 8 and you can now book for her show at the Festival.

Paul, otherwise known as Superman, who built this website, is playing with Brendan Welch at the Rob Roy in Fitzroy on Friday March 17. Doors open at eight.

Also, don't forget to see the scantily clad Tim Stitz at La Mama before Sunday 26 March.

So, there you go, while the Commonwealth Games deals with groping incidents and escapees clambering over fences, the Standing There Productions kids are going for gold. Go team!

The Commonwealth Games is starting next week in Melbourne. The Commonwealth Games and a festival called Moomba, and there's the Port Fairy Folk Festival this weekend and then after the Commonwealth Games there's the Grand Prix and then there's the Comedy Festival (see below) and then there's Law Week (starring yours truly behind the scenes). There's the Melbourne Arts Festival, the Fringe Festival, the Melbourne International Film Festival, and there's also this little thing we in Melbourne like to call the footy season. After that it's Christmas.

We're trying to organise a cast and crew screening of our film. How does next August suit everyone?